Match report vs Barwick in Elmet, 13th July 2019.
Written by Andy Wood
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Ginger Brett comes of age
As Ginger Brett Anderson rose from his rancid pit last Monday morning he could feel his life was finally changing. The exams were out of the way at last and he was confident that he would get straight 'A's in all of them ..... 'Absent'. Well they weren't for him. He wasn't interested anymore in all that establishment thinking and toeing the line. He was 14 years old and ready to be a man now. After all it had worked out just fine for his inspirational father. Claz had left the security of the family home even earlier at age 12 when as a highly promising gymnast (skills honed breaking and entering through the skylights of multiple commercial premises in the Wetherby area) he'd seen Billy Smarts travelling circus passing through the town and gone off to try out as a trapeze artist. He could see himself now, flying through the air with the greatest of ease, the daring young man on the flying trapeze. Sadly when it came to the audition he did indeed fly through the air with the greatest of ease, but unfortunately he had found it slightly less easy to grab hold of the swinging ropes and had landed with no ease whatsoever, head first in the dirt, gouging out a two foot deep crater with his facial features. His career as the great trapeze artist was over before it had even begun. For every cloud though there is a silver lining and a highly successful career in the Freak Show duly followed. Life is indeed all about seizing opportunities! Ginger Brett wanted to be grown up too but as he had left the house next morning on his 1970s retro pushbike, Claz had given him sage advice. "These are the best years of your life son, so don't be too hasty to be a man". He felt sure Leo would take heed of his wise words, and look, several hours later here he was now returning. "So Son", said the sure to be proud father, "did you take my advice on board, what have you done today?" A slightly embarrassed Ginger Brett spaketh only the truth "You were right dad, so all I did was play around with a friend. Ha ha, at one point he grabbed hold of my Chopper ..... and pulled me off!". Poor Claz still hasn't regained consciousness!"
It was Barwick away at the weekend and first up, the troops needed to get there. Claz's unfortunate shock induced coma meant that Leo would need a lift. Step forward the newly formed taxi company of Rast and Opper. Rast would pick Leo up in Wetherby and then ferry him to Opper's so that the perpetually late Lintonian could drive them all to Barwick. It was a plan with no flaws and Leo was even able to be educated in the ways of proper music, which would not only fire him up for the game, but would get his hips moving too. Sadly he just thought it was outdated shite! Little did he know at that point what it would unleash later!
Before even that though there was still time for a footy tournament with Callum in Opper's back garden (well it was only 12.25pm), where Ginger Brett, showing all the skills that have seen him once again signed up by Leeds City Boys ..... was promptly stuffed by an eleven year old. What with that and the music blaring out of Opper's speakers ..... Leo arrived at Barwick wound up and ready to do damage. As a smiling unfamiliar player said hello to him as he entered the changing room, Ginger Brett told him to "F**k off back to your own tent pal" .... only to find that it was new signing Robbie introducing himself. Walking in the door at the same time, Matt hastily headed back to the car, returning two minutes later with Ossie's lead and muzzle. What had Rast and Opper created?!
What with that and people welcoming Immy back from exile, no one had seen what was happening out in the middle. Skipper Freddie Mercury was inspecting the track and his arm had sunk up to the elbow in the soft turf. Remembering his broken hand from his last trip to Barwick the worried leader was screaming "I want to break free!" Luckily the groundsman was on hand to dig him out. "We'll have a bat" announced the now freed frontman. Clearly he'd gone Radio Ga Ga!
Mayonnaise Matt was not quite ready for such news. He had brought his loving and doting Grandfather to the game and was sat listening intently to his kind and enthusiastic words. "You'd better get some runs lad ... I haven't come all this way to be embarrassed by the likes of you ..... AND it's the Ladies final at Wimbledon!" No pressure then as he took guard and watched the bottom two inches of his bat sink. In typical Matt fashion though he creamed his first ball through the covers for four and he was away. On the seats in front of the pavilion Gramps gave a slight nod. Turning to Nessie he spoke .... "Should have hit it for six!"
Despite the sticky dog track the openers had once again got us off to a good start, Matt .... like Jason Roy, Rast .... like Geoffrey Boycott. There was 30 on the board when Matt missed a straight one and Gramps headed to the trees to find a suitable stick.
It wasn't long before Rast had also succumbed, last weeks strike rate of three having been improved to an impressive six. Unlucky Ben joined Opper at the crease and between them they took the score on to 40 before Opper became the third of nineteen to be "done by the pitch". Refreshingly the only man not to be was Tommy Ryko, who admitted that his leading edge to mid off was actually down to s**tness of shot. Immy's comeback with the willow was short and sweet and at 54 for 5 there was real trouble as Sharkey walked out to join UB.
A match turning partnership of 50 was to follow though, made all the better because the temperature had reached 30 degrees, the humidity had reached 80% ..... and Ben's underpants had reached saturation point. So hot was it that by way of setting an example to the youngsters Opper was currently halfway through a pint of cider .... a shandy mind so apparently that doesn't count.
As usual the chatter of "Ben and Sharkey look great" immediately led to their demises and Leo and Robbie were not able to steady the ship. Leo at least had done what he was determined to do .... get forward. Yes he'd got forward and nicked it to slip. A fired up 14 year old Ginger Brett was raging at being sledged as he walked off .... and it could only be his failure to identify the culprit ..... that saved that man from a savage beating!
And so at 115 for 9 Zai came out to join Freddie Mercury, who must have felt "Under Pressure" at the situation. Zai suggested that he should curb his natural instincts and try to accumulate some late runs. "Oh no Zai .... Don't stop me now!" complained the Skipper. But the Chairman had the right idea and between them they nudged and nurdled and occasionally hit the score up to 140 before a strangely be-capped Zai chipped a full toss to mid wicket. It was a decent score
Next up though was Barwick's teas and sorry South Milford and your stonking steak pie and sorry Ledsham and your perfect pulled pork ..... but these were the Carlsberg teas. By the time the boys made their way out for the second half, some were looking like they may live to regret their porky greed and in the case of Unlucky Ben, he looked every bit as troubled as last year .... when his "fielding" efforts had caught the eye of another travelling circus
It was so hot and sticky as the boys made their way out. Ginger Brett had swallowed another vat of sun cream ..... along with sixteen sausage rolls, while Zai was seemingly missing. By the bar area the locals were grumbling about a missing parasol, while down at third man a very Mexican noggined looking Zai had now been found.
The track was to prove no easier for the home side. For the third week running Rast cleaned someone up shouldering arms and a new theory has come to light, suggesting that the pained and anguished look on the veteran's agonised chops at the point of delivery .... especially in the hot conditions .... is what is actually causing the batsmen to lose concentration. It can't be pretty and should probably be outlawed!
Both openers were back in the tent cheaply and with Sharkey getting one to rear off a length, they were three down and in a bit of trouble. A good partnership followed though and the game was very much the home sides to lose. The boys were trying though. Leo was very trying as he shelled another catch off Rast, while Matt chased and slid after a ball so hard that he nearly shattered his ankle on the boundary hoardings. Gramps shook his head in dismay. Should have kept it to one!
Sharkey had got the Aussie by now but the game was drifting as Tommy Ryko and Raging Brett came into the attack. Cue Tommy Ryko trapping the main man plumb LBW for 43. Well it would have been plumb but for the fact that he took the case off it. Sadly for Barwick neither Tommy or the Ump saw or heard the splintering and Sicklinghall had a break
They had another shortly after when Leo, angrily giving the middle finger to the batsman in his follow through, couldn't get it out of the way of a pile driving return and nicked the ball onto the non-striker's stumps, leaving him stranded. The finger was just about broken too and as Brett rubbed his throbbing digit Tom took a 7th wicket
It was getting tense now and the game needed something special to go and win it. It came in the form of Ginger Brett Anderson and his swollen middle finger. In two overs of throbbing pain his pulsating pinkie had the ball doing all sorts and having narrowly missed out on a hat trick he soon sent the last man back and the stumps flying for a third time
It was a magnificent effort and Leo jumped into the arms of a jubilant Opper .... who promptly dropped him! The young bowler was in seventh heaven though and it was just a shame that as he sprinted to grab a souvenir stump .... he'd seen it on the telly ..... he was stopped in his tracks by an irate groundsman, as Barwick only had the one set
Both teams enjoyed each other's company over a friendly drink after the game and the happy feeling was only spoiled when the veteran Sicklinghall opener, already wondering whether he should have a lager having just tipped the scales at sixteen stone ... got to the front of a very long queue for the bar .... only to be greeted by a friendly bar lady with the words "I'm ever so sorry about your wait!"
He left the ground in tears!!
