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Match report - vs Scholes, 15th June 2019.

Report written by Andy Wood

At the start of last week the staff at the long established Hellman’s plant became the latest in a long line of Brexit victims, as they were informed that the business was no longer sustainable in the landscape of insanity that pervades the UK and they were being “let go”. Luckily Rees-Mogg, the minister for the 19th century had also been on hand to comfort them with the news that in 30 or 40 years they would all be grateful, while feeding on the carcass five minutes later as he and his fellow disaster capitalist vultures looked to add a few more noughts to their non-UK tax avoiding bank accounts ... the same accounts that if Brexit doesn’t happen, will be subject to new EU anti tax avoidance laws. Well who’d have thought? But now with another set of gullible idiots duped he should be just fine ..... oh and by the way he says .... vote Boris. Definitely not a serial liar, definitely not part of confirmed referendum electoral law breaking and definitely not a racist and a bigot. Might as well go for the whole con hey!? After all the papers all agree and as everyone knows, they’re incredibly impartial and definitely not owned by people with the same agenda. Sorry about that .... but it’s being stewing!

Anyway the reason for mentioning it (apart from letting off steam) is that the company has now been saved. Thanks to the efforts of a single magnificent individual in West Yorkshire, the staff can now tentatively make plans for the festive season ..... including even those employees who voted to leave. Yes the turkeys who voted for Christmas will be able to have theirs this year .... lovely with a little dab of mayo! Meanwhile Jacob, Fag smoking beer drinking man of the people Farage and the rest of their ghastly ilk will have to take the hit and move on to the next lot to brainwash and make money from. Sorry, I’m at it again!

Anyway that single magnificent individual is none other than Matthew Hatherly .... or Saint Matt as he’s now known (already a highly valued customer) .... a man whose single daily intake of the creamy based condiment could re-float the Titanic, a man with a cholesterol reading of 142.6 .... but yesterday a man whose 124 runs in 124 minutes of mayonnaise induced mayhem, has seen the share price rocket to an all time high. Asked later what he thought of his magnificent Hellman saving heroics, the exhausted eggy opener could only let out a tired but pungent belch and collapse from multiple blocked arteries. Luckily he now has a week at the seaside to resurrect himself from the dead and clear out his pipes.

No more politics then and onto the game, which saw the Hall boys making the trip to Scholes. Last year’s corresponding fixture had been a high scoring belter, in part due to the glorious weather. This year of course we find ourselves in the middle of a dreadful depression which just won’t seem to go away. Sorry, I said I wouldn’t mention Brexit again! Yes, it’s been raining now seemingly for ever and the forecast was looking awful for just after 4pm ...... but enough about Zai’s dreadful horse racing tips.

Adam Ryko was back in the side this week, finally recovered eight weeks after breaking his right hand ..... a period which has tested him, though not as much as the unfortunate Mrs Ryko to be, whose resolve, dignity and loyalty have all been stretched to breaking point, after realising that there are some seemingly mundane tasks with the right hand that are just taken for granted (as her loving fiancé calls her once again from the smallest room) ..... something that as she currently goes through her counselling, she will ensure never ever happens again!

Also playing was the ever present and not so unlucky Ben, grinning like a Cheshire Cat and sharing random tales of a pre season friendly that he’d played in back in March. Odd. Seems that despite a short and frantic innings he had played a significant knock in terms of the result and he had really improved his straight drive ....... oh and he says he’s going to be a father. Congratulations Ben and Sarah! Gawd knows what all the cricket stuff was about!

With the toss duly lost Matt and Rast were padded up and ready to go, with the rest of the boys also keen to get outside and fight over the four available chairs. It would have to wait. Winston Ryszkowski was blocking the exit and was about to deliver the mother of all pep talks. “Come on lads, you’ve been sh*t. Play better!” It was short and succinct but the message was clear. We’d been sh*t and needed to play better. In Curchillian terms it wasn’t quite Brother Imran’s warcry of last year, but THAT of course had culminated in the destruction of the away Changing Room and the involvement of the local MP, so maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing. Brother Imran incidentally has returned from his monastic duties overseas and all the talk is of a comeback at the next home game. Why else would he have been buying up all of Zuby’s samosas? Return of the prodigal? The boys are hoping so ...... especially if they’re spicy chicken rather than vegetarian!

So Matt put down the chips and mayo sarny that he was prepping on and on a spongy green top Rast faced up, rolling the dice and hoping that taking first strike again might improve the wretched form and nip Ginger Brett’s grinning offers to open the batting in the bud. Back for Scholes and opening the bowling was the friendly face of Soltan .... though as Rast just managed to get a bit of splice on an early gnashers bound beamer, he wondered if his nemesis had had some kind of Eastenders type personality transplant. The heartfelt apology and cream ridden fingers confirmed that he’d just helped himself to the slippery remnants of St Matt’s Hellmans laden Scooby snack.

Mayo Matt once again looked in great nick from the off, crashing boundaries all around, while at the other end Rast finally got his arse into gear with some boundaries. With confidence now restored he then had no hesitation in dancing down to a medium paced delivery, but as the ball went past and into the hands of the keeper, he genuinely wondered if it was worth trying to get back .... or to just carry on walking. His choice of turning like the QEII and trying to dive back in was not a wise one. Even after the “dive” was completed he was still a full two feet short of his ground and the embarrassed sniggering of the opposition was only drowned out by the full on howling laughter coming from the direction of the Changing Rooms. The sheer depth of the ignominy was confirmed as he trudged off, seeing not Rich walking in, but the clanking of the groundsman and heavy roller .... shaking his head and hoping that the newly formed valley just short of a length .... could be flattened out.

Now since becoming captain Rich was averaging 312 with the bat. Today he was back in the ranks as Adam took the mantle, but surely it was all about confidence. Five minutes later he confidently left one and watched as it confidently took his off stump. Adam Ryko was already 312 runs in debit!

Back for one week and one week only was Speedy, being a model son and coming up to see his dear old dad for the Fathers Day weekend .... and here was an opportunity to make him proud. What a time to get his first century and repay his dad for all the years of love and unwavering support. A flick off the glove to the keeper and it was all over though .... but wait, the umpire hadn’t heard it. Dan had been brought up well though and he started to walk off. He might be 98 runs short of that century but he would still make his Dad proud. The opposition applauded as he approached the boundary line. Speedy looked up with chest out to see his waiting Dad. “Awww Dan”, groaned a disappointed Bill, “What the hell were you thinking lad? All that way for **** all. You’re dead to me!”

By now Matt was needing some support. He was approaching 50 but not much was coming from the other end. Luckily Ben was in next, determined to prove that his superb straight driving was not a one off and together they put on a superb stand, while between overs they discussed rusks ..... and especially how Matt likes a dash of mayo with his.

Ben fell for a well made 24 and Tom was bounced out soon after by what his brother called a medium pace delivery. Adam himself manfully managed to reduce his arrears to 307, before Ginger Brett made his way nervously to the crease to face the “quick” bowler. On the boundary Rich watched on even more nervously, as he’d failed to think of a quick enough excuse not to let Leo use his very expensive bat. He needn’t have worried as the bat was purely decorative while in the scorebox Ali searched frantically for the gold pen.

Claz was now making his way to the crease, almost fully clad in Rast’s gear for inspiration. Rast didn’t mind Claz playing with his wood but he wasn’t sure he’d ever given permission to grab his helmet, especially when Claz began tugging on it frantically, seemingly to try and make it a bit bigger. Rast could only pray he wouldn’t make it too sweaty! At least the inspiration was working as Claz successfully claimed the most woeful dismissal award, as he became the only person in the Leeds area NOT to spot a slower ball and was castled. Inside Scholes’s new clubhouse the tea ladies temporarily stopped putting out the teas ..... so that they could join in the mirth.

As Matt selflessly gave away his wicket near the end (what a guy), there was just time for a Zuby cameo, as he missed a full toss and got hit on the arse. He and Erotic left the field with 201 on the board and surely a good chance in the second half. First up was those teas though and boy did they look good. And they tasted good too .... especially those beef and onion beauties ..... Matt reckoned they lacked something but he couldn’t put his finger on what. Ginger Brett had no such worries as like a human plague of locusts he ensured that there would be no requirement to wash up. Plates no longer have patterns on them!

The Scholes reply lasted all of seven balls and the boys watched Adam’s speculative long hop take an early wicket, but the elements were to have the last laugh (they had earlier joined in the laughter when Claz got out) and the players trooped off. 

There was just time for yet another game of Changing Room cricket where with his second first baller in an hour, Ginger Brett was able to confirm once and for all that he has indeed inherited his old man’s batting talent and as the boys relaxed over a quick drink afterwards, talk turned to next week and Kippax at home with half the side missing. The advance order to Hellman’s is already in!


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