Match report vs Church Fenton, 10th August 2019.

Written by Andy Wood


Fenton blown away

As Claz and his family disembarked from their long flight from Orlando all they wanted was to get home. Their dream holiday to Disneyland had after all been somewhat ruined by his propensity to put both of his size 11 feet into his confused mouth every time he opened it. It was the first full day of the 10 day break and the family had finally made it to the front of the queue to get in. As is their wont the Uber polite admissions guy had made friendly chit chat as they handed over their tickets. “So, what are you guys looking forward to today?” he had asked. “Seeing Mickey Mouse” replied an excited Ginger Brett ..... “and Donald Duck too” added a grinning from ear to ear David ....... “Yeah and f*****g Goofy!” interjected the Tourettically challenged father.

The day’s fun had ended at that point as Claz was marched off to be interrogated about his sickening attraction to giant cartoon characters and how that kind of thing was frowned upon in these parts. A lifetime ban had duly followed and he had been forced to spend the rest of the holiday looking in through the wire mesh as everyone else had fun ..... and tried to ignore him. One disoriented stranger, forgetting that she was on the inside and Claz was on the outside had even tried to feed him and take photos.

And now here they were back at London Gatwick and ready to put it behind them. “Did you have a nice time and a good flight Sir?” inquired the man at passport control. “I’ve just had a lovely six hour ride on a big Virgin but now I’m knackered and just want to change my pants”, came the self satisfied if a little confused response. The passport man looked aghast but then realised his error. “Ah yes of course, you’ve flown in from Orlando, we get lots of Virgin Atlantic traffic”, he smiled, regaining his composure as he opened up the paperwork ...... “Hang on!! IT SAYS HERE YOU FLEW WITH THOMAS COOK!!”. The family sighed and settled down for another long night .....

.... That did though explain why Rast had then received a late message to pick up the rainbow shirted Leo along with with David, and ferry them to Church Fenton. Claz had only just mentioned to Zai that he would not be able play as he was now tagged and banned from leaving Wetherby. To make matters worse a device had been fitted to his TV which would inform the authorities if he tried to access the Disney channel!

So it was indeed a somewhat changed side which arrived at Fenton. Stag bound Ben, Elland Round bound Opper and Nobody knows where bound Rich were all absent as the boys looked to make it four wins on the spin. Rast was also back though and keen to find a luckier than normal spot in the away Changing Room ..... a spot which started unluckily, as it was situated right next to the toilet ..... and Zai was was emerging with the Racing Post tucked under his arm.

So the Freddie Mercury tribute act went out to do the toss, desperately hoping to win it and field. It was less to do with the track and more to do with the fact that Opening Batsman Matt the Cat had been delayed. He’d been to Specsavers and then on to get a tyre fitted and had been forced to wait while the staff at the Butchers had wheeled the car to the garage two doors down. Feeling slighted at being made to wait a full hour beyond his booked slot the Cat had launched into his now infamous “You don’t know me, I’m a hard working honest man, I’d have walked” speech ..... which had proved so successful to the belittled opening bowler from Scholes. The man at Kwik-Fit just told him to shut up and sit down ..... or walk!

With the toss duly lost Freddie was searching for an opening partner to go out with Rast. With his derisory and disrespectful anti Leeds United comments not yet finished ..... Stoke City fan Robbie promptly volunteered, so as to continue winding up the now purple faced veteran. I mean Stoke ..... the city that forced Robbie bloody Williams on an unsuspecting world. Get a grip!

Thankfully the purpleness had got the ageing opener’s juices flowing and he was soon taking it out on an attack that thought they would be charging in at Geoffrey Boycott and Geoffrey jnr. An opening stand of fifty in eleven overs said otherwise and when Robbie ran out of LUFC insults and thus departed soon after, that just left the way clear for an equally wound up Matt the Cat to stride angrily to the crease, cursing about men in overalls and adding another load of testosterone to the mix.

The weather had been interesting, to-ing and fro-ing as it was between tropical and biblical, as calm warmth was frequently replaced by hurricane winds and dark clouds. I’m not saying the wind was the strongest ever, but Bobby Charlton would have struggled to keep the combover disguised. Not struggling at all though were Rast and Matt, who were looking like they would be there all afternoon .... That was until in this, his 35th season in the first team, the former Cook-like Oldie decided that he would turn into Kevin Pietersen and perform his first ever switch hit. Changing his mind with the ball already en-route and attempting a reverse lap instead ..... it was never going to end well. Thankfully the wind drowned out the laughter!

Next to the crease was Speedy, a man whose very own WhatsApp X-Factor audition during the week also didn’t end well and which even the great storm of 1987 could not drown out the laughter from. The deluded and shockingly monotoned youngster still thinks he may get a late call up to perform at Adam Ryko’s wedding next week ... and if the Skipper wants to scare away the guests and local foxes ..... or guarantee a very early divorce, he may well be right! Sadly Dan’s effort with the bat on this occasion mirrored his drunken warbling ..... a bit flat .... and he was on his way cheaply.

With Sharkey also falling quickly it was left to the Skipper to provide the nerveless support to the Cat. Might not be so nerveless next Saturday. Let’s just hope Best Man Tom doesn’t have to pull off his best catch of the season if he goes down! This week though there were no such problems as the two of them pushed the score towards 200. When Freddie went it may well just have been to preserve himself for his bowling, his wedding, or both .... or perhaps just so that he could enjoy the sight of Tom scrabbling in the dirt while selflessly sacrificing himself (and specifically the use of his left hand) for the cause. Could have been worse then!

Ginger Brett joined Matt for the last knockings and the Cat had his eyes on a well deserved century. Sadly all the energy expended earlier pontificating and telling mechanics that actually you COULD get better .... and certainly faster .... than a Kwik-Fit fitter, had drained him .... and his final effort was caught on the boundary, seeing him back in the tent for 95. A fantastic score of 208 was on the board as the rest left the field behind him ......

.... The blur which left the field in front of him was Ginger Brett Anderson who had kicked off his spikes in the process and flown into the tea room still padded up, having earlier spotted that two slices of pizza had not actually separated and so technically only counted as one. He could not therefore be deemed to be greedy. Six sausage rolls, three pieces of quiche and eight sandwiches suggested however that he probably could. They were very, very good teas!

And so it was all out to field. Dilemma number one was in determining which idiot would be slow enough and stupid enough to bowl into the howling gale .... “Rast, you take the top end” said Freddie Mercury. Idiot found! Charging in with the typhoon was the altogether more sensible captain himself, but it was justified as he quickly removed the pinch hitting opener. It was somewhat of a surprise therefore when he left the field soon after with a headache. News soon filtered through that the captain was in fact battling a savage migraine when as he had made it to the Changing Room he had then suffered that familiar unsettling feeling of lights and colours. Just as the boys were giving up on him he re-emerged, stating that it had been a false alarm. The kaleidoscope of garish colours had in fact just been Ginger Brett’s shirt hanging in the corner.

In the meantime Speedy had struck, removing Fenton’s star player with an edge to Sharkey at slip, which he thankfully saw just before he would have said goodbye to his teeth. Keeper Robbie was clearly pleased with this because he spent the next hour with his hand in and out of his jockstrap, grabbing something rigid and five inches long to show Sharkey. Worryingly HE seemed to be extremely interested in the contents of Robbie’s pants and it came as a great relief to more than one gnarled old pro when it turned out to be where he was hiding his phone, sneaking crafty looks at the football scores for his fantasy team. That also explained the big shriek of delight from Sharkey ..... though confusingly it turns out he doesn’t even have a fantasy team!

Incidentally the phone hiding ruse had only been discovered when Robbie had crouched extra low, thus accidentally triggering an incoming call from a mate. With strange voices emanating from the direction of the Keeper’s nether regions, it was clear for all that not for the first time in the day the words “Robbies talking b*ll*cks” were extremely pertinent!

While all this was happening Fenton’s Skipper and number four were rallying. They’d certainly seen off Rast, who unlike the gale had blown himself to a standstill. But then just as the change was being made Speedy cleaned up the Skipper to stop any nerves and Zai saw off the number four. Rast suddenly fancied one more over but being certain that no-one could get a wicket bowling into the Force 10 of Fenton, he contented himself with heading to point to wind up young David instead. Five overs later Tom had got three for nowt from that end and Ginger Brett had got two for nowt from that end. Young David did not waste the opportunity to let the non-plussed veteran know that his best days might well be behind him ..... though he may still have a future as the Taxi driver.

As the final wicket went down the boys had won by 110 runs and it meant that some could enjoy a well earned drink, Immy could continue his three hour kip from earlier .... and Adam could try to convince Speedy that next Saturday night he needs to set his sat-nav for BEDford! ..... With Dan’s singing voice sounding like Darth Vader with a heavy cold, his marriage could well depend on it!!


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