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Match report - vs Crompark, 4th May 2019.

Report written by Andy Wood

They say that the big man upstairs works in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform. Yesterday the Hall boys wondered what the hell was going on as the first home game of the season saw temperatures in the Yorkshire area of about six degrees. So with the usual howling gale blowing from the North and in the strange micro climate of Kirkby Lane, that meant in real terms it was about ..... -2.

Still at least everyone was able to arrive in good time, what with the usual multiple gangs of 60 year old overweight would be Bradley Wiggins’s having all taken their overpriced toys and extremely tight luminous lycra out Scarborough way to pretend they too were in the Tour de Yorkshire. Yes probably around now they’d be making their way eight abreast down the A64 at seven miles per hour, stretched out over a hundred yards and wondering why the local motorists weren’t sharing their joy! Ah yes, Tour de Yorkshire weekend .... except every weekend is Tour de bloody Yorkshire weekend. Gary Verity .... irrespective of current investigations, the man should be put in the stocks and pelted with rancid tomatoes for shamelessly turning the whole county into a giant sodding velodrome! ...... and breathe!!

Sorry, back to the cricket. With Opper being away again the white lining instructions had been passed on to Fatha Wood. Just put some mixture in and add water. The trouble was when Fatha turned the tap on nothing came out. The Arctic temperatures had frozen the supply. Not being one to be defeated easily Fatha decided that he could easily tap into a warmer supply and having soon zipped back up he was quickly making his way round the ground, proud of his slightly beige looking effort, although his now frost bitten hands meant that he was unable to spark up the usual tab to celebrate.

Crompark were the visitors and as they got out of their cars they were heard commenting on how nice it all looked .... before realising that the lovely scenery was in part due to being on top of an exposed hill. As they watched the home side arriving in full on Sherpa gear, they collectively gulped.

So with Opper at Centerparcs, Dan back at Uni, Adam Ryko still nursing a sore right hand .... hmm and Zuby already suffering pre Ramadan starvation panic attacks, there was a debut for 14 year old Tyler Moody. With Imran Grumpy and Rast Stroppy already in the side though .... he was expected to fit right in, hopefully adding a little PMA as opposed to the other two’s PMT. Nice to see Tyler anyway playing alongside his pal Ginger Brett Anderson, though with the red hued Barnet now looking more like a coconut than the lead singer of 90s guitar gods Suede, there may have to be a new nickname. The erotic Andy Tennant was also back in the fold, keen to show that his time away at Uni had been spent in more purposeful ways than just living up to HIS nickname.

And finally to the game where Immy won the toss and having looked at the nice looking deck, decided to bat. Sage old heads in the side collectively shook their heads in dismay. They didn’t give a sh*t about the track, they just knew it would be even colder later when THEY had to field. Still Matt and Rast put those thoughts to one side as they donned 42 layers each and waddled out to face up and hopefully carry on their run of 50+ partnerships. As Matt quickly nicked a wide one to slip for a well made duck, that hope died, as the in form opener trudged off to spend the next 2 hours reminding himself that it really was worth the 80 mile trip from Geordieland to play in the game.

Rich was in at 3 and together with Rast they were soon putting on a 50+ stand of their own. Rich was knocking ones and twos around while Rast was rolling back the years with down on one knee square drives. Luckily they were going for boundaries as the getting back up ending to the shots was proving somewhat more difficult. Still it was time for drinks now and hay could be made. Hay would have to be made by someone else though as the idiot veteran hoyed the first ball after the restart straight up in the air and walked off to thaw out and make teas

Rich must have heard his happy sighs as five minutes later he had rejoined him in the relative warmth of the changing rooms and Immy and Unlucky Ben were now in the middle. It didn’t take long for Ben to confirm that HIS nickname did not require a rethink, as the LBW appeal went up, the finger went up, the sigh went up and he sloped off looking at his splintered bat. At least that would give him time to plan his “Ladies who ski” wardrobe for the second half.

Enter Tommy Ryko, a man clearly on a mission to make people forget all about his fragile fisted brother as together with the Skipper he looked to steady the now listing ship. In non Immy and Tom fashion they rotated the strike rather than look for big shots (something to do with running to get warm). That was until Immy decided it would be fun to try and take out a car or two, striking the windscreen of the wife of the former Chairman’s motor, as she sat drinking coffee and looking at anything but the cricket. Luckily there was no breakage ..... though she would have snapped at least his arm if the glass had gone through!

A clearly unsettled Immy soon got out and was replaced by Claz, or as he’s now known .... Leo’s dad. Anyway that was the end of the quick singles as Claz’s knees look like they’ve suffered about five IRA terrorist reprisals. Still he steadied the ship (plenty of ballast) and with Tom’s 39 together with a quick cameo from moody Tyler, the scoreboard was showing 179 as the refs called time on the first half

And so to Rast’s teas. Finally the squeaky tight Treasurer has realised that £25 can barely buy meat paste and malt loaf these days, so with £40+ invested at Mozzers the pressure was on to produce. Zai in particular was looking forward to spicy fajita chicken sandwiches, but with the chef having eaten about six of them during prep and having politely waited for the opposition to go before him (as did the rest of the home team), he was left slavvering over an empty and still spinning platter as once again he had to make do with cheese and tomato. Chivalry may not be dead but Zai’s palate is on life support.

And so to the part everyone was dreading. It was SO cold. Lads were putting layer after layer of literally anything on. A scabby t-shirt rotting in someone’s bag from last year changed hands for £120 and an unfortunate local sheep, looking the wrong way at the wrong time was left shivering frantically and wondering why it got sheared two months early. It’s mates have pointed out that it could have been much, much worse!

Rast was coming up the hill as usual, but for one week and one week only had the benefit of a 60mph Northerly behind him. Strange then that he still only managed to bowl at 45! Yes the first over looked rustier than the Angel of the North .... and every bit as stiff. Tommy Ryko kicked off proceedings down the hill, but into the bitter gale, just pleased that the captain had noticed him and not sent him once again to Coventry. And it wasn’t long before the stumps were flying as the usually invisible speedster got on the board. Back at the other end Matt was polishing the ball vigorously, determined that at least one part of his body would be warm. It did the trick though as Rast struck three times in two overs as the cherry suddenly started moving around. What HAD Matt been rubbing it on?!

After Tom had struck again to make it 5 for 5 he and Rast made way for youth as the former Ginger Brett and the erotic Andy Tennant got in the action. Both looked good and Leo made it 6 soon after, while Erotic, though wicketless was earning rave reviews about his new found accuracy from the gnarled old fart at Gully. Two beamers immediately followed, as Rast realised he must have some kind of perverse super power and started wishing for no money! ‘Twas but a small blip though as Erotic completed a miserly spell from the top end.

14 year old Leo had also completed a good set of six at the bottom end, which might have seen a three-fer if the Skipper wasn’t a professional juggler and if dad Claz had any WD-40 ..... or shame! Zai was now into his spell but was also suffering as Tommy Ryko this time dropped a sitter. It soon became clear why though as Tommy, returning at the top end, smashed the timbers three more times, to secure a five-fer, a 125 run victory and bragging rights over his poorly pinkied sibling

Everyone else was just happy to get off the icy field, save the two poor umpires who are apparently still there, frozen to the spot, while Lindsey boils up a kettle to pour over their “cemented” feet, while muttering about how the hell he’s supposed to mow the ends. Oh God it was cold, a fact borne out soon after by Fatha Wood who strolled into the Scotts Arms proclaiming “Jesus it’s freezing! I’m bloody nithered!”, before walking straight out again for a fag!

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