Match report - vs Hampswaithe CC, 10th August, 2024.
Written by Andy Wood
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Nessie and Willie were enjoying a great holiday. As Willie looked up at a cloudless Lanzarote sky and soaked in the sunshine, he was filled with a feeling of utter warmth ..... not least because Nessie had made him wear his Sicklinghall CC coat in the already 40 degree heat. Well it WAS Saturday and the boys should be supported, even from afar .... something which she was at pains to remind Willie of .... as she applied more suntan cream around the edges of her own SCC hoodie!
And now here they were, atop a couple of camels and ready to head off on their island adventure day trip. Willie had already fallen off three times while trying to mount the animal, (unsurprisingly the ship of the desert wasn’t overly keen to be mounted by the increasingly grumpy Willie), which had culminated in the camel’s handler learning some choice new words of Anglo-Saxon origin, which were never mentioned in the English for Beginners night classes which he’d recently completed. Nessie was quick to chastise Willie and told him not to get the hump ..... which was ironic, given that he had only now finally got aboard and managed to cling on by literally “getting the hump”.
Just then Nessie’s phone loudly rang, the camel reared and hey oop, Willie was off again. Who could it be? As Willie scrambled on to the bemused animal for the fifth time, rubbing his throbbing bonce, Nessie was replying to Ali at the other end of the line. “ANDY WOOD DROPPED HIS TROUSERS AND DID WHAT?!!” The shuddering noise which followed this proclamation was Willie’s arse, crashing to Earth yet again!
It had all begun some hours earlier at the picturesque and sun bathed ground of Hampsthwaite CC, in what promised to be a top of the table belter. In team news Stevie had elected to play a Sunday friendly on a Saturday, rather than face his work-mates in the opposition. Rumours abound that he was paid off by certain Northern Energy representatives to metaphorically take a dive. We may never know if this is true but he was seen getting the beers in all night at the Scotts Arms, spending what he allegedly called “my bonus”.
Fit again Rob’s comeback had only lasted a week, as he had gone off to Blackpool for the weekend. Hopefully the shoulder didn’t pop again while he was building sand castles ..... or fighting off far right fascists, hell bent on kicking them over or trying to set fire to them.
Nonetheless it was still a strong ten ready to go and do battle ..... eleven when Hampsthwaite resident Pecker completed his monumental 250 yard trek to the ground, a full ten minutes before the start. Wanting to show the opposition that we are a crack and serious cricketing outfit, Quirkey could only then shake his head in disbelief as Pecker strolled through the gate carrying his kit in a combination of two supermarket bags for life (none of your cheap 10p crap!) and a black dustbin liner. Not even England internationals can boast THREE cricket bags.
The Skipper’s mood soon improved however as he finally won a toss and had no hesitation in having first bat on what was basically a road. Rich and Rast were more than happy to do just that, apart from Rast who’s just plain contrary (plus it didn’t fit with his Naproxen ingest plan). He changed his mind quickly though as the ball came through true and nice and runs started to flow. With drinks approaching and none down, the opposition turned to their spinner Lenny. Both batters warned each other about the fairly regular quicker ball .... something that would now become even more regular as Rich chipped one straight to cover. Son Thomas was quick to point out to his dad that the same thing had happened last year too and had he not heard of Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity? ...... Rich’s response was to ask his eight year old boy if HE had heard of the bus times back to Wetherby!
As Baz made his way to the middle, drinks were being called and he shamelessly helped himself to what by rights should have been Rich’s quencher. Three Hampsthwaite players then appeared for the second twenty overs wearing shades, in what turned out to be an attempt to block out the glare from Baz’s offensively hued boot soles, rather than the ever brightening yellow orb in the sky.
Unfortunately for Baz the sickly orange soles were as bright as his innings got, as he too holed out. Jonny managed a quick cameo before he was bowled and after three quickish wickets, Toby came out to start a rebuild job. At least that was the plan, a plan which may have come to magical fruition but for a lone and mischievous wasp, which elected to dive-bomb him just as the bowler let go of the ball. Toby was well chuffed with his cross batted swat, which sent the stripey invader into orbit. Unfortunately his middle stump very quickly joined it flying through the air ... and Toby’s period of consolidation was over.
With the vespal wildlife out of the way though, Sharkey was able to join Rast and fully concentrate on the job in hand, without the fear of being stung. Between them they recovered the innings and with five overs to go, the score had accelerated to 165. Lenny was back into the attack and soon rapped Rast on the inner thigh with his quicker ball. As stumps aren’t 4 1/2 feet high the appeal was turned down by Quirkey. Like Willie’s camel handler though, 61 year old Quirkey was also introduced to some interesting new words from the disgruntled bowler. As Rast was sent on his way two balls later his disgruntlement soon abated.
Unfortunately said disgruntlement was merely transferred to Rast, who was only too keen to approach the bowler on the boundary between his overs ... and drop his trousers to show him what lay within. When quizzed by His Majesty’s Constabulary later, regarding the gross indecency accusation, the veteran was quick to plead his case, stating “I just wanted him to see that it was near the top of my thigh and it was quite red and getting bigger”. The trial date is set for October. Lenny the bowler was extremely miffed by the incident and expressing his wish for retribution, talked of Rast being “damn well hung”. On that basis the defence counsel is likely to go for a case of mistaken identity!
So while Rast went to rub his bruise, Sharkey and Leo saw the final score up to a decent 201. Would it be enough? Would it hell as like!
First though it was time for teas and more of Emma’s glorious sausage rolls and cakes. Doesn’t matter if Baz gets out for nought every week. His is the first name on the team sheet. Just lose those garish boots mate!
So with the mercury rising it was time for the boys to take the field. Sharkey and Leo were first up, but with runs coming quite quickly and easily, the par score of 200 soon started to look like what Scottie Scheffler regularly is ..... quite a few under par! Despite Rast eventually bowling one of the openers, the innings was getting away a bit and what was needed was a moment of inspiration. The opportunity came shortly after as the other opener picked out Toby with a skyer to cow corner. Unfortunately Toby was fielding without a titfer and as the ball fell from out of a glaring sun, the old London Underground analogy was invoked, with the ball approaching down the Victoria Line and Toby lining himself up on the Bakerloo! In terms of inspiration the moment certainly inspired much laughter .... but sadly not much else.
Luckily Toby was inspired to put on a cap and with the shot soon repeated here was another big moment in the game. This time armed with headgear the outcome was a formality. Then again that’s what they said about David and Goliath .... and the tortoise and the hare. Well they do say that these things come in threes and as the ball landed two yards behind a squinting Toby, another chance was gone and Toby was searching for the receipt for the hat!
Also searching was Zai, who failing to dive full length and stop a missile at fine leg off Sharkey, was currently being stung by nettles and Sharkey’s tongue in equal measure. Well he IS only 71! All of this certainly worried 57 year old Pecker who knew only too well, when flapping at a catch a few overs later, like a butterfly catcher without a net .... that he wouldn’t be able to use his advancing years as an excuse .... just ineptness.
A couple of late wickets followed, mainly due to Ben turning into Jack Russell behind the sticks, but in truth the game was already gone. Handshakes were soon being exchanged ..... with the exception of Lenny and Rast, as the court had already served a restraining order on the Sicklinghall man! A blood curdling scream from the bar area five minutes later, suggested that the order had been ignored and Rast had his trousers round his ankles again. Thankfully as the Riot Squad went in, ready to give him a bloody good hiding, it just turned out to be Baz ..... who’d just been informed that his cooking lager was £5 a pint!
