Match report vs Rufforth, 17th August 2019.
Report written by Andy Wood
Speedy upsets the big man ... twice!
In God’s workshop one morning the big guy was stood around looking a bit bored. He’d already had a brew, read the paper and scratched his a**e a bit and now he was deep in thought. “Gabriel”, he said to his angelic site foreman, “I’m sick and tired of always doing the same thing. I make geniuses and I make dunces. It’s either Albert Einstein or it’s Joey Essex. I wonder what would happen if we had a bit of a laugh with this next one off the line and mixed it up a bit. What do you think?”. Gabriel giggled to himself, “You’re right God, imagine a guy who goes to Uni, passes all his exams in something tough like say economics ..... but can’t even tie his own shoelaces ..... you know, basically a scholastic f**kwit!” Excitedly they got to work and soon after their monstrous and dangerous creation was complete. Academically excellent but unable to boil a kettle, physically athletic but unable to catch a cricket ball ...... Dan Holmes was born! ..... and together with his fellow Chuckle brother Sharkey he was on teas!!! ...... but we’ll come to that .....
.... Rast had been summoned over at 10.30 to take a look at the ground with Stadler and Waldorf. He whistled a merry tune as he drove out of Long Marston in the sunshine, ready to open up the throttle on the open road. All was well with the world. Forty minutes later he was just about passing the racecourse and the clouds had descended, due to being held up by around 400 cyclists scattered out over about two miles, all two abreast and none caring a jot for the 642 road tax paying car drivers who were currently pulling their hair out and hastily making illegal phone calls in order to change their plans. In Yorkshire though cyclists own the roads and everyone else is expected to smile and act like they’re pleased for them as they choose to ruin others lives with their annoying hobby. It was however a charity ride to be fair and hopefully a few grand will indeed be going to the St Rast’s Rest Home for the Cyclingly Disturbed.
Back at the SCG though it was wet. Two days of biblical rain had fallen and parts of the outfield were like a swamp. In charge of white lining duties Fatha Wood was marking out a new boundary at the bottom end. Five minutes later as he drove the line marker straight into a puddle, he was pacing out another one. By the time he’d perfected it on his fourth attempt, that part of the ground boasted more haggered and curved lines than Dolly Parton’s chest .... but at least the ground was ready for action .....
.... And as they made their way into the Changing Rooms at times ranging from 12.10 (the conscientious Zai) to 12.50 (The unconscientious Chuckle brothers), this week’s tensome were also ready for action. Meanwhile over in Skipton, Best Man bound Tommy Ryko was throwing up for the fifth time ..... as HE nervously prepared for action with a final rehearsal of what he hoped would be the funniest speech since Zai had stood up and asked everyone to be at the ground for 12 o’clock! Yes the Ryko’s were absent this week as Adam tied the knot to the sound of warnings of immediate divorce from Hannah if he dared to show up in three piece suit .... and those bloody flip-flops. Also missing this week were Robbie who was working Zubair who had finally consented to play and then gone on holiday ..... and Opper, who had not consented to play and also gone on holiday. Supporters will be pleased to hear though that he is indeed available to make what would be his third appearance of the season next week if required ..... He won’t be as there’s no game!
Finally then to the toss where Immy, back at the reins won it and thankfully elected to field. As the boys geed themselves up a Rufforth player was outside on the ground doing press ups. “That’s what I want to see” roared the captain, “We need to get into an aggressive mindset for this battle”. Matt the Cat and Unlucky Ben looked at each other knowingly. They already had a head start .... they’d been to see Ed Sheeran! Not just that though .... by getting there an hour early they’d also qualified for 25% off Little Mix tickets next week. It was a win win situation! Elsewhere in the Changing Room Sharkey finished off fitting his Alice band. He’d be alright too!
So with the aggression in mind Speedy roared in down the hill ...... and got dispatched for consecutive fours. Rufforth were off to a flyer ..... gliders ..... flyer .... get it? The score had reached thirty and keeper Ginger Brett was already whinging about aching limbs (it’s tough being fourteen!) when Dan swung one back and smashed the stumps. With Rast taking a rare LBW soon after ..... usually too breathless to appeal .... the boys were right back in it.
The fielders were doing their bit as well. Unlucky Ben was chasing balls that he’d already dived over and was whizzing them in on the assisting wind from the fence. Matt the Cat was suffering though as his rocket arm had earned him a promotion onto the side where he had to throw INTO the wind. Mere mortals couldn’t do it but the cat is no mere mortal. At one stage someone even had to back up as the “missile” just about trickled past the stumps.
Even young David was getting into the act, reminding an idiot of 35 years experience ... twice .... that he was in the wrong position. The run rate was really being squeezed by this point and as Zai tossed it ever higher to tempt the batsman, the passing 14:32 from Heathrow to Glasgow was forced to veer slightly off it’s planned flight path. Eventually something had to give and Zai got his man. Sharkey was also bowling well and he was soon in the wickets too as Rufforth’s innings eventually fizzled out to 137-9
It was now time for Dan and Sharkey’s teas and to say the dopey double act weren’t best prepared is probably an understatement. On arriving at the ground earlier Dan had realised that his sandwiches were lacking a key ingredient .... bread! There being no shop in the village we now had a problem. Just then Sharkey heard the church bells ringing and remembered from his school days about “the breaking of the bread”. They were saved. Imagine their horror then when they saw the vicar just handing out bits of wafer to his flock. As Sharkey disappointedly exited the great East door minus his Hovis, he was passed by a sprinting Speedy, bottle of claret tucked under his arm. He’d only nicked the blood of Christ! As it turned out it wouldn’t be the last time in the day that young Dan would be acquiring wine by nefarious means.
Thankfully some bread was found and the day was saved. But here now was Speedy asking how to make a pot of tea. As Rast explained about tea bags and hot water (and then subsequently about boiling a kettle), he was relieved that Dan seemed to just about grasp the concept. Everything was fine again .... or at least it was for the 1% of those present who liked their tea black! A local member of the public saw a financial opportunity and provided some milk, but with a toughly negotiated price of £20, the SCC teas once again saw a net profit of Nil. They were nice though.
So with the gastro drama finally over Matt and Rast again went out to try to chase down the runs. Both were quickly into their strides, though as Rast was nearly run out by three yards attempting what he thought was an easy second run, he realised that HIS stride isn’t actually what it once was. There were a few half chances but the runs flowed as the openers fought to be the first to fifty. With Rast on 49 and a slow full bunger approaching, he smiled knowing that it would be him and he could raise his bat to the crowd. As he walked off ten seconds later having missed the slow looping projectile, he hid his face and avoided eye contact with the now grinning crowd
Matt the Cat was serene at the other end though and with Rich launching an early six, the target was made short work of. The cat finished the game with five successive boundaries in an unbeaten 68 and the boys celebrated heartily at the Scotts before some went on to join Adam Ryko’s own celebrations .... where a worse for wear Rast was heard emotionally telling the newly nuptialed all rounder that he loved him ..... though not as much as he loved the never ending conveyor belt of free pizza that was on offer. Meanwhile as Speedy the thief eyed up the happy couple’s champagne, up in the clouds God looked at Gabriel, shook his head and said “maybe that wasn’t such a good idea!”