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Match report - vs Goldsborough CC, 23rd July, 2022.

Written by Andy Wood

Charlie Whitehill-Sharkey is a sporting connoisseur. He can’t get enough of watching top quality athletes plying their trade in their top quality ways. Whether it be sipping Pims in his striped blazer and straw boater while cheering on those manly high cheekboned toffs in the boat race, or belching a cloth capped beery belch while watching Leeds RL get turned over again .... pint in one hand, whippet held firmly on it’s lead in the other ..... he’s your man. As long as there’s sport AND alcohol ..... he’ll be there.


Last week the floppy haired fastie was up at The Open at St Andrews, sharing a weekend of fun .... and a rather small tent .... with Speedy Dan. As a naked Sharkey (Boy was it hot last week) rolled the wrong way in the tent during the night and inadvertently gave Dan a view of the 19th pin .... he suddenly became VERY speedy! Thankfully for Dan, Sharkey didn’t KEEP rolling and also give him a good look at the hole as well!


THIS week, still nursing the after effects of the delights of several Scottish distilleries, Sharkey had been invited to York Races, by special and slightly jealous pal Ben ..... who couldn’t promise him a tent but as well as the thoroughbred horses, there was lots more alcohol AND a band. A still topped up and slightly green of hue Sharkey shook his head, “I dunno mate, that would just be madness”. Best bud Ben smiled cheerily, “Not JUST Madness ..... they’ve got Little Mix supporting as well”. “ What time’s the train?” replied Sharkey, hastily grabbing his coat.


Winding the clock on 15 hours and it was a somewhat sorry looking Sharkey making his way into the SCG for the home fixture with Goldsborough. Never mind Madness, with the dark sunglasses hiding the mother of all hangovers, it looked for all money like the King of Country crooning Roy Orbison himself was making an appearance. Meanwhile a strange mark on Wicket keeper Ben’s neck suggested the tent had been employed after all!


Over in the Changing rooms Opper had announced that he was having problems with his ring. As Zai helpfully reached into his bag to lend him the Preparation H ointment, Opper thankfully clarified that he had actually lost his wedding ring. As he relievedly located it skulking in the corner of his cricket bag two minutes later, the irony was not lost on him that had he NOT found it, the subsequent divorce would have meant he no longer needed it anyway!


Fresh from his holiday in France Captain Quirkey was back and heading out to toss, his teammates grateful that he had travelled by plane rather than joined the calamitous BREXIT induced queues at Dover. Still, The Daily Mail says it’s the fault of the French that WE have introduced an ‘all passports must be stamped’ sovereignty policy, (which has created extra work for THEM) ..... so it MUST be true!


Toss duly lost .... again ..... the boys were invited to bat anyway, thus rendering it an academic exercise, other than a nice walk for Quirkey and his oppo. . At least it gave the returning Toby time to get into his brand new full length trousers. His mum had washed the old ones on the wrong temperature and now even Ronnie Corbett said they were too short! As Rich and Opper went out to face up the rest of the lads sat down to enjoy the game .... Callum electing to sit next to Uncle Rast and show him his cricket bat. With the battered willow seemingly only held together by three strategically placed 1” wood screws, Uncle Rast felt like he was having a conversation with Oliver Twist and was all for a whip round. Could a father have less respect for his son? As Opper duly ordered Callum to run on and take his helmet off the field for him ..... it seemed that indeed he could!


On the field though there were no problems as Opper and the perpetually in form Rich helped themselves to yet another 50+ opening stand. Over on the benches Irish Steve was now drinking freshly made hot coffee from his own personal ‘One Direction ‘ mug and discussing who was his favourite member. The Coleraine King may have been the batting hero last week, but this was just unacceptable! Shaking his head at modern male musical tastes Rast wished he was out there batting. As Opper promptly missed a straight one up he got his wish.


Another decent partnership followed, though as Goldsborough’s young boy star came on to bowl, both experienced (but now nervous) batsmen decided that they didn’t want to be dismissed by a young lad and the run rate duly dropped, especially from Rast, who then miscued a simple catch to extra cover and found himself relieved to see that also dropped.


Rich meanwhile was approaching yet another half century and there was a stunned silence (either that or no-one was watching) when he missed an off break and was castled. That just brought Toby to the crease though and comfortable in his own skin (and more importantly in his own strides) he was soon stroking it all around. Inspired by this Rast finally got out of first gear and started putting bat to ball. The opposite ends of the age spectrum pair put on 115 before Toby holed out chasing a half century of his own.


Sicklinghall’s new found version of Brian Lara was now at the crease for the last knockings and carrying on last week’s magnificent form, Irish Steve battered his first ball disdainfully for four. As Rast pinged the last ball of the innings to deep point, he set off to run and duly felt his unsupple left hamstring do some pinging of its own. Channeling his inner Andy Taylor he managed to hobble back for two, while also appearing to have pooed himself! Anyway 228 at the break was definitely just above par.


Also above par were the various treats on display. Quirkey had gone for a stylish French number again, while Callum had devoured a chicken and ham pie seemingly before it had even come out of the wrapper. Meanwhile Roy Orbison Sharkey had just about recovered from his hangover and was ripping into the raw flesh of some dead animal, as he angrily wound himself up to open the bowling ..... oh, and putting on his Alice band.


As his opening ball beamer flew clean over the opener’s head and hit keeper Ben on the knee, someone suggested that it was may be time for Sharkey to lose the dark glasses. Inspired by being able to see again he bowled a beauty which was nicked and pouched by Rast at slip. All that did though was bring together two lads who looked like they were having a day off from England duty! Ginger Brett Anderson wasn’t bowling badly but was disappearing all round the SCG. Rast meanwhile was pleased that he had a knackered hammy!


Zai replaced Leo but without success and just as the boys were really starting to fear a drubbing, man of the moment Irish Steve came on and induced a top edge, thankfully pouched by Opper. With a limping Rast accepting the invitation to bowl down the hill for the first time in twenty years and spawning a wicket with a wide long hop ..... things were finally looking up. The main man was still going strong though and looking untroubled and it was a stroke of luck when he timed the arse off one from Irish, but straight into the soon stinging and soon throbbing hands of Opper at mid-wicket.


Both ends were open now but with a cameo from one of the middle order, it was a great decision by Quirkey to bring Sharkey back on down the hill and get him caught on the boundary by the magnificent hands of Ginger Brett Anderson. Aside from his guts that boy drops nothing! Rast meanwhile had been forced to bowl up the hill again and having defeated the young lad with his effort ball, it came as no real shock that the delivery still lacked the velocity to remove the bail. Some effort!


Sharkey was on fire now though and quickly sent back two more before his spell ended. With the game now up it was just a question of whether ten wickets could be taken. It would be down to young lads Toby and Callum to roar in and find out. As Toby roared in and sent back the number 10 it looked like the answer was ‘Yes’ but as Callum roared in and butter fingered a caught and bowled (chicken pie pastry grease remnants to blame) ...... it soon looked like ‘No’ again. No matter, the boys were more than happy with nineteen points ...... and Uncle Rast was even more happy to store that one away for future hilarious use on his oft cheeky nephew.


So with a twenty run victory in the bag and with Sharkey and Ben heading off to buy a new tent, the boys cheerily made their way to the Scott’s Arms, where as Martin Wood returned from the bar to the wasp ridden beer garden carrying his pint, he duly sat on one of the stripey little pests, and having angered it ..... suddenly realised what having problems with his ring REALLY meant!!

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